Queer Eye for the SG-1
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Advertisement 1

INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY

A pretty woman is going through a sheaf of papers.

WOMAN

I thought starting my own business would be easy, but I swear, these people want me to sign my life away!

V.O.

Having trouble making sense of contracts? Turn to us for advice.

Establishing shot: a sign in front of a large office building reads “Wolfram and Hart”.

V.O.

Wolfram and Hart has branches in major cities across the globe, and in more than a dozen alternate dimensions, to cater to your every legal need.

INT. BOARDROOM - DAY

Several young lawyers are grouped around an older, white-haired man — apparently a mentor figure — in an intense discussion.

V.O.

If divorce court, contracts, or lawsuits are making you feel like you need to sign your soul away, look no further than Wolfram and Hart!

Lawyers look up and smile. Wolfram and Hart logo appears, along with a 1-800 number.

Advertisement 2

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD - DAY

A mother is pushing her child on a swing. She turns and faces the camera.

WOMAN

The power company down the road was putting so many toxins in the air that my children couldn’t come out to play. I kept calling our local officials, but no one seemed to care. Then Representative Greg Stillson started speaking up for me.

INT. GREG STILLSON’S OFFICE

He is on the phone. He looks official.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Representative Stillson got that power company to clean up their act. He’s done a great job for the state of Maine, and I know he could do a great job for our country.

EXT. PARK - DAY

The park is rugged and rural. Stillson stands in front of a flag.

STILLSON

Our children are the most important resource we have. I pledge to do whatever it takes to protect them. I approved this ad because we have to protect our natural resources.

He is joined by four children, two boys and two girls, one African-American, one red-haired, one blonde and blue-eyed and one Asian-American.

STILLSON

All of them.

Zoom in on flag. Over flag: Stillson for President

V.O.

Paid for by the Stillson for President committee.

Advertisement 3

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

A very hot sportscar rounds a tight corner on a pine-tree-lined mountain road at high speed.

V.O.

What you get out of your vehicle…

The car speeds around another corner.

V.O.

…hinges on what you put into it.

The car speeds around yet another corner. The camera zooms in, closer…and then we get a view of the engine.

V.O.

LexOil’s patented formula keeps your engine running smoothly, and protects against wear and tear. Use it...

The car speeds around another curve. This is, apparently, a very curvy road.

V.O.

...and your car will go through every twist...

And yet another curve!

V.O.

...and turn that life throws at you. Anything less and…

A clunking noise. The car slows to a halt. Cut to the driver — only his eyes — going wide. Screeching noise. Screen goes black. LexOil logo appears.

V.O.

…who knows what could happen?

Advertisement 4

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

A Chicago apartment, full of geeky toys and the Fab Five. JAI holds an old-fashioned sword, awkwardly.

V.O.

Next week, the Fab Five go to battle to fix a geeky morgue attendant.

Shot of a slightly plump guy, with shaggy brown hair and a full beard, in a lab coat.

V.O.

But is there anything they can do…

Shot of KYAN, both palms on a bathroom counter, lowering his head as if in grief or defeat.

V.O.

...to bring his DOA fashion sense…

TED and THOM shake their heads sadly over the unnamed, unidentifiable contents of a plate.

V.O.

…back to life?

CARSON stands in front of the STRAIGHT GUY’s closet.

CARSON

I see nerdy people. They’re everywhere!

Queer Eye logo and picture

V.O.

Find out on the next Queer Eye.

Advertisement 5

EXT. BEACH - DAY

A nearly deserted beach. Caribbean music plays, but very slowly; it’s almost a dirge. A man is lying on a towel, a white streak of zinc oxide on his nose, wearing a pair of ill-fitting bathing trunks. His eyes are closed. His dog puts its head up, looks around, then drops it down again, looking dejected. The man gropes around for something.

CLOSEUP: His hand is reaching for a can of soda. It’s obviously intended to be Coke, even if it is styled differently so as to avoid their ravaging lawyers, possibly hired from one of the less ethical branches of Wolfram and Hart.

The dog sees the man reaching for the soda, and looks around again. He sees a cooler at the next beach towel, half open. He runs over, lunges in, and pulls out a can of Blue Sun cola. The can clamped firmly in his teeth, he runs back to his owner and places it in his owner’s hand. His owner cracks open the can with a loud noise, and suddenly…

EXT. BEACH - DAY

The same beach, now crowded with beautiful people. It’s a party! The music turns peppy. There’s a volleyball game going on behind him. Three girls in bikini tops and grass skirts hula-dance by. The man on the blanket is now surrounded by beautiful women, all of whom have a can of Blue Sun in one hand. The man grins, and raises a can to his dog, who is being petted by a fourth beautiful woman in a bikini.

Long shot of the beach. Logo.

V.O.

Drink Blue Sun. Just drink it.

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