Queer Eye for the SG-1
Can Even the Fab Five Make a Debonair Man Out of Teal’c?
What would happen if Colonel O’Neill called in the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to make Teal’c over? Can even the Fab Five show this alien how to be sophisticated? Could Teal’c be taught how to make small talk? Or would his Hawaiian shirts cause poor Carson to have an aneurysm? This piece has minor spoilers through “Wormhole X-Treme”, and is rated PG (for incredibly minor bad language and small double entendres).
Five fashionably dressed men hop into a black SUV, and start driving.
INT. THE FAB FIVE MOBILE - DAY
Our straight guy's name is Murray Teal’c.
Black-and-white picture of Teal’c. It's almost a mug shot.
Murray’s a military man. It says here he’s... 90?
Must be a typo.
Or he’s got the kind of surgeon I would die for.
Anyway, he used to fight for some sort of militia in another country. That’s why he’s got the big scar on his forehead. His wife died...
THOM, KYAN, CARSON, JAI
And he defected and wound up in a US special forces organization. He’s good at his job, but his friends say he just doesn’t quite get American culture.
That’s my job.
Today’s secret mission is to FIX THIS MAN UP!
CARSON, TED, THOM, JAI
Sir, yes, sir!
EXT. FAB FIVE MOBILE - DAY
The car roars on. We see it from the outside; somehow, in the course of the conversation, it got from downtown Manhattan to Stargate Command.
And now...the THEME SONG! As some chick sings about “all things keep getting better,” the Fab Five each pick up their chosen implements of destruction and march down some New York City boulevard that is miraculously free of traffic. Obviously, this is some special Alternate Gay Universe.
The guys pull in to Stargate Command, hop out of the SUV, and run down the halls. Their usual background music starts playing...DA da da da da DA da da da da DA da da da...and they crowd around Teal’c’s door. Carson knocks. The door opens.
We’re the Pink Berets, and we’re on a very important mission.
Teal’c raises one eyebrow. The Fab Five push into his room and begin going through his stuff.
(Picks up a candle.)
Did you buy out Pier One’s entire supply of candles?
Freeze frame: Tom has a candle to his nose... Text below: THOM — DESIGN. Film begins moving again. Thom shakes his head.
This military-meets-ashram look has just GOT to go. Does this make sense to you?
INT. CLOSET - DAY
CARSON is wearing one of TEAL’C’s hats. It’s a baseball cap with a slot for a beer can on either side, and straws going down to the mouth — probably bought for TEAL’C by O’NEILL. CARSON, of course, has bottles of Evian in each slot. He pulls a stack of Hawaiian shirts from the closet. Goes through them, throwing each on the floor.
Polyester, polyester, polyester, polyester.
Freeze frame: Carson staring in wide-eyed horror at the label on a shirt, with the straws from both sides of the hat in his mouth. Text below: CARSON — FASHION. Film begins moving again.
Now we know why there’s an oil shortage — it all went into making Murray’s shirts.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Now, I’m told you’ve never cooked before.
I have not.
Have you ever boiled water?
No. I have not.
Freeze frame on Ted’s shocked face. Text below: TED — FOOD. Film begins moving again.
Have you ever unwrapped a Pop Tart?
INT. GATE ROOM
THOM and CARSON carry TEAL’C’s bed up the ramp toward the Stargate. The Stargate is doing its whole “wooo, I look like a swimming pool on its side but I’m really a gateway to another dimension” thing. THOM and CARSON throw TEAL’C’s bed through the Stargate.
(Dusting off hands)
Your taxpayer dollars at work.
THOM and CARSON walk back down the ramp, past DANIEL, who looks appalled. Above them, in the CONTROL BOOTH, SAM is at the computer and JACK is standing over her shoulder, smiling. He inclines his head towards the Stargate, which closes.
INT. TEAL’C’s BATHROOM
KYAN is looking around.
He cleans. I could eat off his tub! Let’s hear it for military discipline.
(He goes through the cabinets.)
One bar of Ivory soap?
Freeze on Kyan pressing the bar of soap to his forehead with a pained expression. Text below: KYAN — GROOMING. Film begins moving again.
Ivory soap is not the Swiss Army Knife of cleaning products!
INT. CORNER OF TEAL’C’S ROOM
JAI is looking at TEAL’C’s staff weapon.
What is he, a military majorette?
JAI picks up the staff weapon, which is taller than he is, and begins twirling it like a baton. Just as he’s about to hit himself over the head with it…Freeze frame. Text below: JAI - CULTURE. His face is scrunched up, preparing for the blow. Film begins moving again. He whacks himself in the forehead, and while trying to recover, drops the staff weapon, knocking over some candles. A quick burst of energy scorches the wall.
(Talking to himself):
Oh, crud, oh, crud, Jai, don’t destroy the straight guy’s bedroom…
INT. TEAL’C’S ROOM
TED is sitting with THOM and TEAL’C around a table in the corner of the room.
So, Murray, let’s talk a little bit about what your goals are.
Colonel O’Neill has suggested that I take this opportunity to familiarize myself with various aspects of American culture. He also said that I could learn how people here show each other that they are appreciated.
Well, that’s what Colonel O’Neill thinks. What do YOU think?
I would like to be able to be able to blend out with the crowd.
JAI enters with KYAN and CARSON.
Well, first, we’re gonna have to work on your use of the English language. That’s “blend in.”
(Inclining his head)
I look forward to the lesson, Jai.
You’re so polite! My mom would absolutely love him.
(Wearing one of TEAL’C’s jackets, which is way too big, yet looks FABulous.)
Yeah. We’ll fix THAT by the end of the day. All right, boys, if we’re going to make over this mountain of a man, we’ve got to get moving! Thom, Jai, you hold the fort. We’re going out to raid and pillage for supplies.
Stand up, soldier! And MARCH!
(Walking out the door)
Hup two three four, hup two three four.
I don’t know but I heard tell
I don’t know but I heard tell
There’s some straight men, dress like hell
There’s some straight men, dress like hell.