The Wicked-Short Silmarillion, Part 2
An Irreverent Screenplay-Style Adaptation
So, the Noldor have now arrived in Beleriand. The Sun has just arisen for the first time, and everything related to Morgoth is hiding in Angband, beneath the mountains called Thangorodrim. Will the Noldor take this opportunity to move against Morgoth? Or would this be an excellent time for more bickering? And what about the Sindar, who have been living here a lot longer? What do they think of all this?
Now that Feanor’s dead, his sons are stepping into his place and doing a lot of stuff. Just to recap on their names, they’re Maedhros and Maglor, Celegorm, Caranthir and Curufin, and Amrod and Amras.
And on Fingolfin’s side of things, Fingolfin’s sons are Fingon and Turgon. His nephews Finrod and Angrod, and niece Galadriel, are also helping lead the crew.
If none of this means anything to you, you’ve probably forgotten to read The Wicked-Short Silmarillion, Part 1 first. Go ahead and catch up.
EXT. NORTHERN BELERIAND - DAY
Gee, all the monsters ran away. I guess if we can’t find Morgoth to smack around, we’ll just have to go and find Feanor and smack him around.
(March around until they find the encampment of Feanor’s sons, in Hithlum.)
FEANORIAN NOLDO #58
Oh, shit, it’s Fingolfin and his army!
FEANORIAN NOLDO #59
Man, they look really pissed.
I think we should back off and give them some room.
(Feanor’s people move off to one side of Lake Mithrim; Fingolfin’s army settles on the other side.)
(Calling across lake.)
Dead. What’s it to ya?
(After much name-calling, the tale of Feanor’s death is told.)
Fine, can we talk to Maedhros? He was always at least a little friendly.
I’m sorry, Maedhros is busy and can’t come to the lake right now. If you’d like to leave a message...
Busy? With what?!
If you must know, he’s hanging from a cliff over Thangorodrim.
What the hell is he doing that for?
(Tell how Maedhros got hung from a cliff.)
Good grief, is there anything the house of Feanor can’t screw up?
This light is a real problem. Heat up some smoke machines. Let’s make lots of smoke and smog, and try to get it darker out there.
HUGE MASSES OF SMOG
(Come rolling out of Angband and settle over northern Beleriand, including Hithlum.)
EXT. LAKE OF MITHRIM - DAY, WITH SMOG
Dammit, while we sit here and bicker, Morgoth is getting his shit together. Plus, Maedhros was a good buddy of mine. If I go and rescue him, maybe we can try to work together.
Exit Fingon, stage right.
EXT. THANGORODRIM - DAY, WITH SMOG
Enter Fingon, looking around for Maedhros.
Hey, Maedhros, where the hell are you?
(Hanging from cliff.)
Up here. This really sucks. Just kill me.
Dammit, that’s too high and sheer for me to climb. How am I gonna get to you?
Like I said, just kill me.
(Draws his bow, aims at Maedhros.)
I’m sorry, friend.
THORONDOR, KING OF EAGLES
(Swoops down out of nowhere.)
I’ve got a better idea. How ’bout you hop on my back?
(Hops on Thorondor’s back. Thorondor flies up to the ledge where Maedhros is.)
(Hacking at the shackles on Maedhros’ wrist.)
I can’t break this thing.
You can still kill me.
Dude, what’s up with the goth schtick?
I’m really sorry about Dad burning the boats. I couldn’t stop him. I told him not to, but he wouldn’t listen.
Well, thanks for trying, at least. I got an idea. Hold on, this is gonna hurt.
(Hacks off Maedhros’ right hand. Puts him on Thorondor’s back.)
(Flies them both back to Lake Mithrim.)
EXT. MITHRIM - DAY
Thorondor comes swooping down out of the sky. Fingon and Maedhros jump off, and Thorondor swoops away again.
Did you see that?!? OMG, that was totally teh kewl!
Here, cousins, I brought your brother back. Sorry about his hand.
It’s okay, I’ll learn to use a sword left-handed.
Howzabout we don’t try to kill you, and you don’t try to kill us, and we call it all even?
And how about Fingolfin gets to be king? I mean, even if we hadn’t been shitheads about the boats, Fingolfin’s still the only child of Finwe around here. The rest of us are all grand-kids; the kingship should go to him.
OTHER SONS OF FEANOR
WTF?!? Uh, how about we don’t do that? Oh, crap, we’ll just look like assholes if we say anything now...
(Becomes High King of the Noldor in Beleriand.)
(Relaxes. A little.)
HUGE MASSES OF SMOG
(Slowly dissapate, for no apparent reason at all.)