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The Wicked-Short SilmarillionAn Irreverent Screenplay-Style Adaptation |
Ever tried to read the Silmarillion, and failed? How about screenplay-style fanfic? You can finish that stuff, no problem! It practically uploads itself into your eyeballs. So, for your delight and edification, here’s a screenplay version of the Silmarillion. It’s not quite as funny as most “Movies in 15 Minutes”-style screenplays, because those are designed to gives chuckles to people who have already seen the movies in question. Instead, this one is designed to actually give you a lot of the information from the Silmarillion, only without being all boring.
This assumes you’ve already read The Lord of the Rings, although you might be able to understand it if you’ve only seen the movies. It also assumes you can handle the irreverence of Elves and nobler creatures saying things like “aight” and “yo”, and that you don’t mind profanity (mostly used for emphasis, but not restricted to “mild” words).
Meaning “The Music of the Ainur”, this intro to the Silmarillion is sort of like Middle-earth’s version of the first few chapters of Genesis. Only much more mystical.
EXT. BEFORE THE WORLD BEGAN - NEITHER DAY NOR NIGHT
ERU ILÚVATAR
Hi. I’m Eru Ilúvatar. Basically, God.
AINUR
Yo. We’re the Ainur. Archangels and suchlike.
MELKOR
I’m Melkor, brightest and studliest of the Ainur. I wish I could create things of my own, but only Ilúvatar can actually do that.
ILÚVATAR
My choir of Ainur, I want you to sing with me. Doo be doo be do.
AINUR
Doo be doo be do.
MELKOR
La la la la la.
ILÚVATAR
Doo be doo be do.
MELKOR
La la la la la!
SOME OF THE AINUR
La la la la la.
ILÚVATAR
Hmmmm. Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy do!
MOST OF THE AINUR
Doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy do!
MELKOR
La la la la la!
SOME OF THE AINUR
La la la la la.
ILÚVATAR
Right.
(Slams hands together, creating a massive chord.)
EVERYONE
(is silent)
ILÚVATAR
Melkor, that was pretty weak. Don’t you know if you try to screw up what I create, it just makes my creation that much more glorious?
MELKOR
Whatever. Screw the mystical shit, I just want to do my own thing.
ILÚVATAR
It’s not gonna work. Now get out of here.
ILÚVATAR
You want to see what that music would look like if it were a thing that had been created? Check this out:
(Creates the world out of the music of the Ainur.)
AINUR
Oooooooooooo!
SOME OF THE AINUR
Can we go there? Can we, can we, huh huh huh? Please?
ILÚVATAR
You may, but you’ll become part of creation. You’ll be part of the world forever.
SOME OF THE AINUR
We’re okay with that.
ILÚVATAR
Okay, then. Go, with my blessing. Have fun.
SOME AINUR
(Enter the world.)
Woot! Now we’re the Valar!
OTHER AINUR
(Enter the world.)
Whee! Now we’re the Maiar! Not quite as studly as the Valar, but still pretty kick-ass.
MELKOR
(Enters the world.)
Yee-hah. Now I can fuck shit up.
AINUR THAT REMAIN
So, is there anything we should do for you, Ilúvatar?
ILÚVATAR
Fix us up some popcorn. We’re in for a heckuva show.
This entire chapter or sub-book of the Silmarillion is basically a who’s who of the Valar, and of a few of the Maiar. As such, it condenses down pretty boringly. I’ve tried to throw in humor where possible, since this is an introduction to a bunch of characters, and hence shouldn’t be skipped.
The Valar are essentially gods. They can’t create new species or new life, but they can create other sorts of matter, and they can change preexisting creatures into new things. The Maiar are lesser versions of the Valar — enormously powerful beings, at least on the level of demigods.
In the various Elvish languages, -R is used to pluralize. So, one Vala, two-or-more Valar; one Noldo, two-or-more Noldor, and so on.
EXT. NEWLY CREATED WORLD - NEITHER DAY NOR NIGHT
MANWE
I’m Manwe, King of the Valar. I’m more or less a god, and I’m in charge of heights, mountains, air, birds, and stuff like that.
VARDA
I’m Varda, Manwe’s wife and Queen of the Valar. I’m also Queen of the Stars, because I’m going to create them in a few thousand years. I’m basically a goddess of sky and stars. The Elves are going to revere me forever; they’ll call me Elbereth. Like, you remember A Elbereth Gilthoniel? The one they sing at Elrond’s house? That song is a hymn to me. I’m also the Varda that Galadriel will mention in her lament, Namárie, as the Fellowship sails away from Lothlórien.
ULMO
I’m Ulmo, Manwe’s brother. I’m god of waters. I mostly hang out in the oceans, but I can be found in rivers and streams too. When I feel like it.
AULE
I’m Aule, Manwe’s other brother. I’m god of stones, rocks and earth, and of smithing and building and cleverness and stuff like that.
YAVANNA
I’m Yavanna, Aule’s wife. I’m goddess of plants, trees, fruits, and green, growing stuff. Also of animals, but not as much as plants.
MANDOS
I’m Mandos. I’m a god of fate, and I’ve got this house where the souls of dead Elves come to hang out while they wait to get reincarnated.
AUDIENCE
(Inserts their own “Mandos, Hands of Fate” joke here.)
MANDOS
I make prophecies and spooky pronouncements, when I speak at all. Which isn’t too often. I’m kind of spooky that way.
VARIOUS MAIAR
Spoooooooky!
LÓRIEN
I’m Lórien, god of visions and dreams. I’m Mandos’ brother. J. Michael Straczynski totally ripped off my name for the fourth season of Babylon 5. Mandos got it worse, though.
NIENNA
I’m Nienna, sister of Mandos and Lórien. I’m the goddess of sorrows and tears. I cry a lot. This isn’t nearly as lame as it sounds, because my tears are magical and can do all kinds of things.
OROME
I’m Orome, a kick-ass hunter and wanderer in the woodlands. I’ve got this huge horse, and I like to go traipsing around everywhere with my hunting horn, and slaughter monsters and stuff.
TULKAS
I’m Tulkas. I’m a super-strong, mighty warrior. I’m always pretty happy; I’m a laughing and smiling kind of guy. Even in the middle of a brawl. Except when Melkor’s around; I hate that guy.
MELIAN
I’m Melian, one of the Maiar. We’re not quite as studly as the Valar, but we’re still demigods, at the very least. Me, I sing a lot. I like to wander around Middle-earth, outside Valinor, with nightingales following me all over the place. Like Snow White, but better dressed.
OLÓRIN
I’m another one of the Maiar. I usually hang out with Lórien, but I’ll be sort of important in The Lord of the Rings. Even though I only get mentioned once by name, in Book IV, Chapter 5. Look for “Olórin”. It’s really subtle. Tolkien’s one slick bastard.
MELKOR
I’m Melkor. I’m a heavy duty Vala, and I live to fuck shit up. Everyone hates me, except for a whole bunch of Maiar that followed me into the world. I turned most of them into Balrogs and other creatures. Sauron’s one of my Maiar. To give you an idea of how powerful Maiar are, Sauron’s had the snot kicked out of him about three times by the time of Lord of the Rings, and he’s still the most powerful thing in the world. Which might give you a clue about how bad-ass I am, if Sauron is my chief bitch.