The Wicked-Short Silmarillion
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The Wicked-Short Silmarillion
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Having gotten the dramatis personae dealt with, we now start on the Quenta Silmarillion proper. “Quenta Silmarillion” literally means “the tale of the Silmarils”. This rendition does not take things strictly chapter-by-chapter, because that would involve skipping back and forth in time on occasion, which would just make things even more confusing than they already are. But it does occasionally give you pointers like “This bit equals such-and-so point in the book.”
VALAR
We’re going to make the world all pretty and wonderful and happy. Yay!
MELKOR
Not if I can stop it.
VALAR
We’ve built a lovely world. Let’s have a picnic.
(The Valar have a happy picnic, then go to sleep.)
MELKOR
(Attacks, knocks everything over, then runs away.)
VALAR
Hey! WTF?!? Plz die.
MANWE, KING OF THE VALAR
This is going to get really long and messy, isn’t it? Time to fortify our position.
VALAR
(Retreat to the western parts of the world, build a beautiful realm called Valinor, pile up huge mountains called the Pelóri to block out the rest of the world, then put an ocean between the Pelóri and Middle-earth.)
MELKOR
(Retreats up to the northern part of Middle-earth, builds a fortress called Utumno, and starts breeding nasty monsters there.)
YAVANNA AND NIENNA
(Create the Two Trees of Valinor.)
NARRATOR
You’ve gotta realize, this is all happening before the Sun, Moon, or stars had been created. So the Two Trees are the first, and only, thing that give off light.
AUDIENCE
WTF?
NARRATOR
Yes, the Trees make light. One makes a silvery light, and the other one makes a golden light. The Valar can capture this light in vats and stuff, and haul it wherever they want. So Valinor has this kind of divine light all over it, and everywhere else is dark. Get it?
TOLKIEN FANS
Who is this “narrator” guy? Since when is there a narrator in this book?
NARRATOR
Since the whole damn thing is in third person anyway. How else would you represent that besides a narrator? Hell, this is nothing compared to what Peter Jackson did with the second and third movies! Just chill.
TOLKIEN FANS
You got a point.
For those of you who are following along in the book, this section matches the chapter of the same name there. In the Quenta Silmarillion, it’s chapter number two.
INT. AULE’S WORKSHOP - DAY TREE-LIGHT
AULE
It’s lonely here, waiting for any of the people Ilúvatar said He was going to make to show up. This world is so nice; it needs people to enjoy it.
AULE
(Creates the Dwarves, but can’t actually give them life.)
ILÚVATAR
(Takes pity on Aule, since his motives were good, and animates the Dwarves.)
AULE
Yay! Thanks, Creator-Dad!
ILÚVATAR
But. You know I’ve got some other people of my own in the works. I want them to come first. I’m stashing your people away in cold-sleep until I think it’s time for them to come out.
AULE
Hey, Yavanna, honey, check this out! I made some people and Ilúvatar gave them life! They’ve got axes and shit! Isn’t that cool?
YAVANNA
Um... that’s very nice, dear.
YAVANNA
(Goes to have a little chat with Manwe, the king and therefore presumably Ilúvatar’s agent, about the unfairness of the situation.)
YAVANNA
Have you seen those people Aule built? They’ve got axes! They’re gonna chop down all my trees!
MANWE
I’ll talk to Ilúvatar about it.
ILÚVATAR
(Creates the Ents.)
YAVANNA
(Smiles.)
Those Dwarves are gonna have a surprise waiting for ‘em.
ILÚVATAR
(Does not appear again in this story. At least, not until near the end of the Akallabêth, which is a long way off. So you might as well forget him for now.)
EXT. VALINOR - NIGHT
VARDA
(Starts creating the stars.)
EXT. MIDDLE-EARTH - NIGHT
MELKOR
(Builds a secondary fortress, called Angband.)
MELKOR
Sauron, I’m putting you in charge of Angband.
SAURON
Schweet.
VARDA
(Finishes placing last star.)
EXT. WATERS OF AWAKENING - NIGHT
ELVES
(Come to life.)
Dude! Check out those stars! Pretty!
STARS
(Twinkle.)
ELVES
We come in three tribes, the Vanyar, the Noldor, and the Teleri.
VANYAR
Our name means “the pretty ones”. Our king is Ingwe. We write lots of poetry, and... we’re the prettiest... and, umm...
NOLDOR
And that’s about it. That’s all you do.
VANYAR
And your point is...?
NOLDOR
Our name means “the wise ones”. Our king is Finwe. We’re into learning all sorts of stuff, and building things. We’re full of craftsmen and smiths and whatnot, plus we make up alphabets and build gems and make really cool items.
TELERI
Yeah, and you’re going to screw everything up royally, later on.
NOLDOR
Shh! It’s not time for the foreshadowing yet!
TELERI
Oh, sorry. Our bad. Our name means “the ones trailing behind”, because we keep getting kind of disorganized. But we’re fabulous singers, and we’re going to be really good mariners later on, too. Once we get to the ocean. Oh, and our king is named Elwe.
VANYAR
Yeah, about that ocean. Where is it, and how are we gonna get there?
NARRATOR
It’s a few thousand miles to the west of where the Elves are now. Nobody knows anymore just where the Waters of Awakening were, except that they’re somewhere to the east of the Sea of Rhûn. So the Elves have got a damn long way to go to get to the ocean. And “Waters of Awakening” in Elvish is Cuiviénen, just in case one of your Tolkien-freak fanboy friends uses that word.
OROME
(Finds the Elves on one of his usual hunting expeditions.)
Hey, wanna come and live in Valinor with the Valar?
ELVES
Good question. Is it nice there?
OROME
(Takes three kings of Elven-kind with him to Valinor to check the place out.)
INGWE, FINWE, and ELWE
Hell, yes! This place rocks!
OROME
(Brings them back to the rest of the Elves.)
INGWE, FINWE, and ELWE
OMG, that Valinor place is teh roxxor, and it’s so kewl and U have 2 come there w/us and OMG, squee!!!!11!!!one
MOST ELVES
Okay, let’s go!
A FEW ELVES
We don’t trust it. Where’s the catch? We’re staying here.
MOST ELVES
(Start slowly trudging all the way across Middle-earth.)
EXT. WATERS OF AWAKENING - NIGHT
MELKOR
(Kidnaps the Elves that didn’t leave for Valinor, and turns them into Orcs.)
NO-LONGER-ELVES
Well, this sucks.
EXT. ROAD ACROSS MIDDLE-EARTH - NIGHT
ELF #1
My feet hurt.
ELF #2
You didn’t tell us we’d have to walk.
ELF #3
Are we there yet?
OROME
This is nuts!
(Goes ahead to Valinor.)
EXT. VALINOR - DAY TREE-LIGHT
OROME
Manwe, those Elves are taking forever to travel, and Melkor’s picking off stragglers. We’ve gotta stop him.
MANWE
Right. It’s clobberin’ time.
VALAR
(Descend upon Utumno like an avenging horde, wreck the place, lay the smackdown on Melkor and haul him off in chains back to Valinor, where they throw him in jail.)
INT. ANGBAND - NIGHT
SAURON
Damn, I’m glad they didn’t find me here.
EXT. ROAD ACROSS MIDDLE-EARTH, AT MISTY MOUNTAINS - NIGHT
VARIOUS ELVES
Damn, those are some tall mountains. Do we really have to go across those?
OROME
Yes, if you want to get to Valinor.
RANDOM ELF
Fuck a load of this. I’m going down this river instead. Who’s with me?
VARIOUS ELVES
Us. Screw this noise; we’re outta here.
(They leave and become the Nandor.)
OTHER ELVES
(Head over the mountains and eventually get to Beleriand, west of the Blue Mountains or Ered Luin.)
AUDIENCE
(checking their maps of Middle-earth)
WTF? What do you mean, west of the Blue Mountains? That’s the middle of the ocean!
NARRATOR
By the time of the Third Age, yes. But this is all happening before the beginning of the First Age. All of Beleriand gets drowned later on.
TELERI
Hey, how come he gets to do foreshadowing?
Once again, this section is the same as the chapter of the same name in the printed Quenta Silmarillion. Only less flowery. Unfortunately, it’s no less weird than the corresponding chapter in the book... you’ll see what I mean in a minute.
EXT. WOODS IN BELERIAND - NIGHT
MELIAN
Tra la la, I’m wandering around the forest, singing with my nightingales.
ELWE
I’ve wandered off and gotten separated from my people. Hey, what’s that singing?
ELWE
(Sees Melian, falls in love.)
MELIAN
(Sees Elwe, falls in love.)
TIME
(Goes all wibbly, and Melian and Elwe stare into each other’s eyes for a few hundred years. No, literally. They’re immortal, remember.)
ELWE’S HAIR
(Turns all silver.)
EXT. SOME OTHER WOODS IN BELERIAND - NIGHT
TELERI
WTF? Where’s Elwe gone?
OLWE
(Becomes king of the Teleri, by virtue of being Elwe’s brother, since Elwe’s fucked off somewhere.)
NARRATOR
Yes, that scene is on crack. Even in the book. Check it yourself if you think I’m messing with you; it’s Chapter 4, “Of Thingol and Melian”. It’s only two pages long; you can handle it! The bit about the hair turning silver is about two pages into the next chapter.
EXT. SHORELINE OF BELERIAND - NIGHT
ULMO
(Hauls an island up to the shore to be a boat for all the Elves.)
VANYAR
(Embark on the island.)
NOLDOR
(Embark on the island.)
TELERI
Hang on, we’re missing Elwe!
ISLAND
(Departs.)
TELERI
Oh, crap.
ULMO
Don’t worry. I’ll hang out with you and teach you about the ocean.
TELERI
Um, okay.
EXT. VALINOR - DAY TREE-LIGHT
ISLAND
(Arrives from across the ocean. Elves disembark.)
VANYAR and NOLDOR
Yay! We’re in Valinor now!
ONE HUNDRED YEARS
(Pass.)
VANYAR and NOLDOR
Say, we kind of miss the Teleri. Can you send that island back for them?
ULMO
(Sends island back.)
EXT. SHORE OF BELERIAND - NIGHT
TELERI
Hey, the island came back for us! About damn time.
SOME TELERI
But we like it here. Screw this place across the ocean.
OTHER TELERI
(Embark on island.)
OLWE
I wish I knew where my brother went.
(Embarks on island.)
ISLAND
(Leaves.)
CÍRDAN
(Becomes a shipwright.)
ELWE
(Eventually returns.)
Sorry, did I miss anything?
REMAINING TELERI
Buh - wuh - bibble - your hair! And who’s the babe?!? What happened?
ELWE
(Becomes known as Thingol, or Singollo, which both mean “Grey-cloak”.)
REMAINING TELERI
(Become known as “Sindar”, or “Grey elves”, with Thingol/Singollo as their king and Melian as their queen.)
EXT. VALINOR - DAY TREE-LIGHT
NOLDOR
Hey, all this light is pretty nifty, but we love the stars. We need to see them every so often.
VALAR
You can go out past the Pelóri, to the coastline. It’s nice and dark there, and you can see the stars.
(The Valar create a canyon through the Pelóri, called Calacirya, or “Pass of Light”.)
NOLDOR
(Traipse through Calacirya, wander coastline, look at stars.)
Excellent!
NOLDOR
(Build city called Tirion in the middle of Calacirya, near the shore. Find gems and jewels in the earth while building Tirion.)
ISLAND FULL OF TELERI
(Arrives, parks self a little bit off the shore. Gets named “Tol Eressea”, or “The Lonely Isle”.)
TELERI
(Build gorgeous swan-shaped boats, sail to shore, build city of Alqualonde, or “Swan-haven” at shore of Calacirya.)
NOLDOR
(Showing off gems.)
Look what we found! Shinies!
TELERI
Ooooo!
NOLDOR
Here, have some.
TELERI
Okay!
(Strew bits of gems all over the beach.)
BEACH
(Glitters.)
NOLDOR
Oooooo, pretty!
VANYAR
We’re mostly happy in Valinor itself, but we can come through the Calacirya really easily, to visit our friends in Tirion and Alqualonde. Yay!
EVERYONE
(Lives in peace and harmony.)
NARRATOR
You know that can’t last... but before everything goes to hell, let’s introduce a few new major characters.