The Wicked-Short Silmarillion
EXT. TIRION - DAY TREE-LIGHT
Remember me? I’m king of the Noldor.
And I’m his wife.
(Gives birth to their son Feanor, then dies for no apparent reason.)
OMG, that is teh suck.
(Grows up to be incredibly smart and skilled, but also stubborn and headstrong.)
I’m very proud of you, son. And now I’m marrying a Vanyar babe named Indis.
OMG, Dad, how could you? You are t3h suxx0rZ.
(Gives birth to Feanor’s half-brothers, Fingolfin and Finarfin. Then kindly steps out of the story, so you don’t have to remember her.)
(Has chip on shoulder about Finwe’s re-marrying. Goes on to be the best at everything. Like so...)
(Invents better alphabet.)
ALL THE ELVES
(Promptly start using Feanor’s alphabet; continue to do so until the end of the Third Age. Yes, that would be the tengwar.)
(Wanders off and doesn’t enter the story again.)
(Invents way of creating gems, instead of having to dig them up.)
ALL THE ELVES
(Has two sons, Fingon and Turgon, and a daughter, Aredhel.)
(Has four sons: Finrod, Orodreth, Angrod and Aegnor, plus a daughter, Galadriel.)
Yes, I’m the one in Lothlórien in The Lord of the Rings. Yes, I’m really, really old by then. But I so don’t look it.
(Not to be outdone, has seven sons: Maedhros, Maglor, Celegorm, Caranthir, Curufin, Amrod and Amras.)
OMG, this is too much! I need a scorecard! Do I need to remember all these names?
Unfortunately, yes. This is why Tolkien helpfully provided a bunch of genealogical charts at the back of The Silmarillion. But don’t worry, I’ll try to provide reminders where I can. Plus, it’ll get a little easier once a bunch of people die.
Uh-oh, more foreshadowing.
THOUSANDS OF YEARS
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN VALINOR - DAY TREE-LIGHT
Oh, hey, it’s time for Melkor’s parole hearing, isn’t it?
(Gather for parole hearing. Melkor is brought in.)
I’m really sorry. I won’t do anything bad ever again.
Let’s give him another chance.
Fine. But he has to stay here in Valinor, where we can keep an eye on him.
No problem. I’ll be good, really. Honest.
ULMO and TULKAS
We’ve got a bad feeling about this.
(Notices Melkor’s fingers are crossed.)
LOADS MORE YEARS
Once again, this section heading gives you an idea of where we are in the book: the chapter of the same name. This is where things start heating up; if you thought the stuff before this was kind of boring, fear not. Tolkien’s just been getting all of his pieces on the board; now he’s going to start smacking them into each other.
INT. FEANOR’S WORKSHOP - DAY TREE-LIGHT
Check this out! I made Silmarils!
Cool. What’s a Silmaril?
It’s one of these three gems I just built. They actually have some of the light of the Two Trees in them.
Oh, is that why they glow?
ANYONE WHO SEES A SILMARIL
Oooooooo, super pretty! Totally the prettiest!
I gotta steal those things.
Let these Silmarils be hallowed, that no mortal, evil or impure creature may touch them without being scorched and burned.
I prophesy that the fates of earth, sea and air lie locked within these three jewels.
What, like they weren’t cool enough already? Sheesh.
(Covertly spreads rumors and lies, sowing dissension among the Noldor. He’s good at that kind of thing.)
(Are easily deceived, and think the Valar are keeping them in Valinor for some sinister purpose.)
(Gets really possessive of the Silmarils, thinks his brothers Fingolfin and Finarfin are going to try to steal them.)
FINGOLFIN and FINARFIN
(Believe Feanor plans to back-stab them and try to exile them from Valinor.)
(Starts making noises about leading an exodus of the Noldor back to Middle-earth.)
ALL THE NOLDOR
(Start building swords and shields and stuff.)
FINWE, KING of the NOLDOR
This has gone far enough. I’m calling a meeting to discuss this mess.
INT. NOLDORIN MEETING HALL - DAY TREE-LIGHT
I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here...
Could it maybe be so you can tell Feanor to chill out? I mean, where does he get off trying to become leader?
Ah-HA! I knew you were trying to dick me over with Dad!
(Draws sword, puts it up to Fingolfin’s heart.)
Back the fuck off or else!
(Leaves in a hurry.)
Excuse me, we’ve got a case of assault and deadly threat here. We’ve gotta intervene.
EXT. VALINOR - DAY TREE-LIGHT
Hear ye, hear ye! The trial of Feanor is now commencing.
(Put Feanor on trial. Practically everyone testifies, on one side or another. It quickly becomes obvious that Melkor’s had a lot to do with this.)
Tulkas, you wanna go haul Melkor in here?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
(Goes looking for Melkor.)
Still, you did draw a sword on your brother, and threaten his life.
He’s only my half-brother.
What-ever. Tell you what, you did the deed in Tirion. You’re exiled from Tirion for twelve years. You can still hang around the other parts of Valinor, and think about how stupid that was. Then, if your brother forgives you, we’ll call the slate clean.
I’m cool wit dat.
(Stomps out without a word. Gets all his stuff from his workshop, moves to Formenos, in the north of Valinor.)
(All move to Formenos with him.)
(Moves to Formenos, too.)
Fingolfin, why don’t you be king in Tirion for a little while?
EXT. FEANOR’S FRONT PORCH - DAY TREE-LIGHT
(Knocks on door.)
What do you want?
Say, Feanor... I can’t help but notice you got kind of shafted there. And now Fingolfin’s king. How’d you like to go off to Middle-earth with me, and seek your fortune there?
Besides, are you really sure your Silmarils are safe here?
Oh, is that what you’re after? Fuck off, asshole.
(Warns the Valar Melkor’s still hanging around causing trouble.)
(Put out all-points bulletin on Melkor.)
(Takes off and heads back to Middle-earth.)
Bitch better not come back here. I got a special can of whup-ass with his name on it.